Self-Image, Self-Care & Motivation: Parable Of The Once Depressed

This is probably the hardest thing to talk about because it is so raw and real to everybody. I know at one point in everyone’s life, they have bashed themselves to the point of tears or believed lies you've told yourself. Here is my advice on what to do…. STOP! Right now, stop being so negative and so self-destructive to yourself. It is not going to get you anywhere.

It is not going to help you make a healthy change.

I have always been the ‘big kid.’ Maybe not in weight, but I have been 5’10 since the 5th grade. I wasn’t just tall. I was extremely tall, and I had baby fat. I was so shy because of it.

Eventually, I outgrew the baby fat (PRAISE!) and I actually had a decent looking body, thanks to the fact I was a three-sport athlete in High School. By my senior year I was 150 pounds and an 5’10 athlete. My waist was so small my fingers would touch when I wrapped my hands around it. I also had a six-pack, but part of the reason it looked so “good” was because you could actually see my ribs.

But I was happy, because guys noticed me and I got attention from others. They would tell me how good I looked or that I should model. I took pride in the fact that I was fit without having to give up my terrible eating habits. I didn’t know then that the next few years I would be battling severe body issues.

In college, I played softball for the University, but due to some health issues I was sidelined. After a year of appointments, I was finally able to be active again. I took to weight lifting and cardio on the elliptical. Because of this high intense training I gained about 15 pounds of muscle, but at the time I didn’t realize or understand that muscle weighed more than fat and all I saw was the number on the scale in front of me.

So, what did I do?

I decided I was only going to eat one uncrustable a day an hour before I would workout, to give me energy and try to lose the weight. Little did I know, this was the first step in the wrong direction. There were days I would eat more, because it was the weekend and I was around a bunch of people. But when the weekend was over, I went right back to it.

When Seth and I got married, I could probably run a marathon based on my physical condition. I was still not where I wanted to be pound wise, but I was getting married and I was rocking that wedding dress at every try on. I was ready to get married.

Our wedding was my Pinterest board in real life. My flowers were perfect, the food was perfect, and cake and cupcakes were delicious. Our DJ was amazing and kept people on the dance floor all night. Most importantly, I just married my hunky dream boat whom I have had a crush on since the day he waved at me in the church parking lot when I was sixteen.

After our East coast honeymoon road trip, we sadly had to get back to reality. I was newly employed at our church as the Christian Education Director and he was a junior high science teacher. We were living our best life. We were so happy we decided to start trying and make our dream of having a big family come true.

Before I go on, I want to mention that my husband and I have been struggling for about three years and with that came depression, and how I handled it was one of the worst ways anybody could handle it. I went from starving myself to being a binge eater. After about three months of trying and failing, I would watch Netflix and eat tubs of ice cream. After the ice cream, I would eat anything cheesy. Then I would drink sodas. It was bad.

The only good thing was I was still being continuous with my workouts, so it was counteracting at first, but when a few more months past and still no baby… I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Let alone workout. Why would I want to take care of myself when I didn’t even want to go to work? So as the number of months went up without getting pregnant, so did the number on the scale

One night, I went to my friend’s house for a little girl’s night. When I got there, we just sat around and talked, you know normal girl’s night things. Then someone decided they wanted to know how much they weighed, I have no idea why. I honestly just remember one of my friends walking in the kitchen with the bathroom scale because she wanted to know. Next thing I know, I am on the scale.

I am pretty sure if the counter wasn’t there for me to grab onto, I would have fell flat on the ground because the number I just read was almost the size of my car payment I made monthly.

Now, my friends being some of the sweetest and best people I know, started saying things like: “It is okay, you are really tall.” “You can’t tell that is how much you weigh, you carry it very well.” “It is probably just muscle, you work out all the time.”

The funny thing is, at the time they didn’t know what I was going through, because I never told them. Sure, they knew Seth and I were struggling to get pregnant, but they didn’t know that their once athletic, outgoing, down for anything friend was sleeping for 12 hours a night, watching tv for 4 hours, and just trying to get through the 8 hours at work.

I was full on depressed and now I realized I was very overweight.

Stepping on that scale sent get me to move. It gave me that little push towards the top of the hole I was in. It was my first wakeup call. Ladies, it is hard to break a routine you are used to. Especially, a negative one. I was falling down a hole that never seemed to end, until I stepped on that scale. So I set up a plan to walk 20 minutes every day for five days a week. I am not going to lie, I sometimes didn’t accomplish this goal.

I was thinking, what if I am supposed to star in the next Brett Eldredge music video? He wouldn’t want someone looking like a hippo dancing around with him. I am not kidding you, this was the first thought I had. I have a super active imagination. But it is something I can laugh at and something I will always remember. I remember putting in the DVD for 21-day fix. I remember wanting to quit every 5 minutes. I remember the look on my husband’s face when he walked in and saw me actually living and not just wasting away in the chair. My stomach turns when I think about how far I let myself go.

I am happy to tell you when I started to choose life, I started to feel free. When I started choosing self-care, I started being able to breathe when I looked in the mirror. I started loving myself again. I started getting my old confidence back. I cannot stress enough how important it is to love yourself. Start accepting yourself for who you are and who God made you to be. You are so, so loved by the creator of the universe. And if the creator of all the moons and stars loves you, why can’t you love you?

Maybe its because we get stuck in ruts and don’t know how to get out. We see all the “Pretty People” on tv and in magazines and we start to think that we are “Ugly” because we aren’t a specific size.

But you are a beautiful human no matter what size you are, what clothes you wear, etc. I truly believe that, but I also believe that we are supposed to take care of our bodies and our health. In the Bible it says,

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your bodies.” – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Start taking care of your temple. Find a workout you love. I am lucky when it comes to this because I enjoy a variety of activities. Take time for yourself and try something new until you find that workout that gets you so amped up, you can’t wait for the next one.

Here is another suggestion, go take a massive bubble bath. I mean fill that thing with all the bubble and Epsom salts you can find. Grab a book or turn on relaxing music and just chill. Throw on a face mask while you’re at it, so when you step out of that tub and you look in the mirror and turn back to give yourself a second look because you think, “Dang, I look good.”

Ladies, I promise you, setting aside an hour for your self-care a day is worth it. I can’t believe how good I feel, because I start my morning off with a good workout and end my day with a bubble bath or a good book. If you have to wake up at 5:00 A.M. to get it done or have to wait until 10 P.M…DO IT!

Okay, so this is the part where I am going to tell you the extremely weird things that motivate me during workouts or even random projects, that I want to accomplish. I already talked about my dream of being in a Brett Eldredge music video, but I want to touch on it again. When I am running or lifting, I will actually say, “I got to get that flat stomach for my music video debut with Brett.” (Yes, I call him by his first name. I know I am cool.)

But what is even cooler, Seth will see me slacking and say, “You are going to get those Carrie Underwood legs by slacking off.” It is a fun way to motivate myself and it makes it even better when Seth joins in. He knows I have an insane imagination. He also knows my imagination is also what fuels my motivation.

Want another crazy embarrassing example? Okay, before I continue, I want to mention that I am one of the biggest Sherlock Holmes fans, you will ever meet. My world was rocked when I discovered the series, Sherlock, on Netflix. I could not tell you how many times I have watched each episode, but it is probably close to 25 times. It also was the start to my major fan girl-ing over Benedict Cumberbatch, because not only is he good looking, but he is one of the best actors I have ever seen and when you throw in Martin Freeman, you know it is going to be good.

Anyways, sorry I get a little sidetracked when talking about Sherlock, I honestly had this dream one night while sleeping and I woke up with this giant smile on my face. I dreamt I was with Benedict Cumberbatch at the Olympics and in order to solve the crime we were investigating, I had to ride and win a dressage event. (Side note: I also was taking horseback riding lessons a few hours a week.) So, every time I would go to my riding lessons after that, I would think about that dream. I would think well I am not going to win the Olympic games if I can’t keep my hands quiet (make them motionless, I struggled with my hands moving up and down or in and out) even if it was a tiny movement, I would feel it and correct myself immediately.

Another source of motivation comes from my husband and my family. I want to make them proud with everything I do. I want to be so good at whatever I do, that it motivates them to achieve something they have been wanting to achieve. They are my solid rock. My foundation. I want the life I am living and creating for myself be something they can be proud to tell others about. So maybe these tips will help YOU find motivation:

1. Find that crazy dream- Whether it being a star in a music video or taking part in an event at the Olympics. Find that dream that helps you strive towards physical and mental greatness.

2. Find someone who motivates you? - My husband is my biggest motivator. He has the ability to pick up all my pieces and put me together when I am broken. He will then slap my on the butt and say, “Suck it up and keep moving.” He knows that I sometimes need tough love.

3. Find a dependable partner- Find someone who you can be accountable with. A friend that will push you to your next goal is a treasure to hold onto.

4. Remember God- God is with you every step of the way. He is there for you, all you have to do is ask.

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About the author: Kylie Owens

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